Stardate 261015

So i had quite possibly the worst few days i've had in a while. Last thurs to sat. In which time i had no energy, and no time for criticism of my work ethic from people who slack off. Finding i'd forgotten to submit my Centrelink form. Feeling  completely ostracised from one housemate and resentful of the success of another in a field i once strove for. My complete lack of willpower or focus to find work. My self deprecation, both earned and hyperbolic.

The fucking up at work in a way that i worried would blow back on my blameless boss. My Frank Underwood brain working in overdrive to ensure that wouldn't happen (something i'm extremely proud of doing). My boss, she'd take a bullet for me. She shares my neutral good personality. I hugged her, sometimes it's all you can do when "thank you" doesn't cut it. Screw etiquette. People have forgotten how to be people.

My health. My ingrown toenail. My sore throat. My weight. My mind. All need to be addressed.

I broke down crying quite a bit. I've finally hit the wall where maintaining the facade isn't worth it. My body doesn't cope with not knowing who i am and what i want. I don't know what i want because i don't know what i deserve, and what my options are.

The reduction of choice and of the individual are the worst issue of the modern age.

I thrive on helping others and appeasing them... but only when my efforts are appreciated and accepted as enough.
That's not what i experienced Saturday.

A day after the 2 days where i felt like shit i should not have relied on other people to make me feel good about myself. I keep falling into the trap of expecting my parents to just appreciate my effort or trust my judgment as i grow older. I think, i'm 31, surely they'll see me as a man now.
Stupid. Stupid.

I shaved my head. Some people cut themselves or burn themselves or flog themselves. I do this. It's destructive but i control it. I choose it and i make it happen. It's one of the only things i have that feels completely mine. And it just grows back. My dad thought it looked scary. Good.

I think that's why i like being dominant. I feel so out of control in my everyday life. You probably don't want to know i'm into BDSM. Too many people are repressed. I think that's what pushed me to be so sex positive. The constant shaming, especially of men, for having a fucking labido is a joke. I got very comfortable with my mind in this respect. I know what i like and what my fantasies are. I haven't however had much opportunity to act on this front. That's a lie, i just choose not to.

I'm in a loving relationship with someone who is 1 less interested in sex (but by no means less interesting) and 2 in the UK currently. I used to, in my 20s, have sex be a major crutch to fall back on during depression. I was good at it, and i felt important for a change. For over 2 years however i've been in my relationship with my gf. I talk to her about what goes through my mind, she listens and understands me. She became my new "heroin" in a way. My sanity pill, my reality check. And now she's in the UK. I'm being all venty here so here goes. This last week i felt like i really needed her. I mean it's not like i haven't missed her or wanted her. But this was a visceral need,  like running out of air.

I broke down on Saturday too btw. My dad assumed i had hayfever. Fuck, what a mess i am.

Sunday i had DnD with the boys, my version of poker night. I haven't had the boys night thing since around high school over 10 years ago. It's so freeing. You can speak your mind about how you truly feel about stuff and it's ok to argue about it. This isn't always the case with girls nights. Sick of hiding. It's such therapy to be able to be yourself around guys and simultaneously roleplay as a tiefling Warlock. Ironically my tiefling character has daddy issues, wanting to make him proud while wanting to carve his own path. Sounds familiar.

Then today. Went to jobsearch with my new hair. My caseworker is a joy and great to talk to. She suggested just letting all this pour out. Don't know if it was good or not but here it is. Now to the next thing.

Lastly I want to list my most supportive people right now. Simon and Cat, Shruti my caseworker, Emma my psych, Shelly my boss, Heath and the boys at DnD, Lucinda, Liam, and Laura FFL, Jennifer Tung friend from afar, and of course my gf Nina.

Gonna see The Last Witchunter Wednesday... alone. And going to PAX... dunno why.

Love you
Tim