My life as a male

How to describe it? Pain. Throbbing pain. Like a constant jab in your brain. Over and over. Every muscle tense. A fly that keeps buzzing that you cant catch. Restlessness that makes you stare at the ceiling in the dead of night. Not just once a month... always.

You look at a billboard, it makes you want it more. You listen to news or view a poster and it shames you into hating the most natural thing about male desire.

You try to drown it out with actual vices like alcohol and fast food. You make yourself ugly and undesirable for fear of how you were treated by women in some yesteryear. You use it as a crutch, as the reason why she doesn't want you, because if she doesn't want you at your best then that will kill you.

And you're stuck because you need the person you love, and you need physical intimacy, and you know you can't have both.... and you dont know how you're going to live without one of the 2. And slipping again isn't an option.

And then theres the fear the current climate has over you. News reports of a female serial killer luring a guy with sex and slaughtering him, accusations of rape and sexual assault or retellings of entire embarrassing sexual encounters. A women scorned, beware. It creates an atmosphere of permissive persecution based on a factor of birth and not based on an individual's actions.

Sympathy for men is in near non existent supply. Noone talks about the near paralysing pain and fear. Most men just kill themselves.

Not me though. Not on purpose anyway. I've been through far too much to die now.  And i have a naive hope things will change. We used to work towards change but it's been 5 years and things have somehow gotten worse than they were to begin with. Time to sip a bit more from my JW double black and watch Arrow.