That's not what I need

You have no job no self esteem your relationship with your gf is in crisis you keep fucking up your housemates don't want anything to do with you you have no idea what you want to do with your life your hairs turning grey you're self conscious about your weight and for the umpteenmillionth time someone has said "why don't you just go up to the UK?" because it's what would happen in the movies.

Your parents give you money because that's how they solved your problems growing up. Your brother says Jesus will fill every gap in your life until you cease to exist but for Jesus. Not like you had a sense of identity to begin with right?

I need therapy. I need my ego stroked, not my cock. I need to be told that i am enough, the final definitive special edition director's cut. That i don't need to be tweaked, that my ideas are worth listening to and acting upon. That i'm desired and appreciated for what i do... not asked, "what else is there?"

My volunteer boss does this. My DnD mates do this. The people i want to be closest to i either can't reach or have pushed away. I am hollow with a fake carved grin. I am just so much Halloween decoration. I am the pumpkin after Cinderella's ball. I've served my purpose and should be discarded. Have my insides scooped out and be put on display as a testament to someone else's artistic vision.

I would feel more sorry for myself but i know the parts of me that are rotten. Everyone else just sees the smile. My one grace is that i don't shit myself about who i am, what i need, and what i've done. Let it be done. Let it be just fucking done already.