ouch *bangs head on wall* ouch *bangs head on wall* etc. etc. and so forth
ok, i've said this before and i'll say it again. It seems i don't need to even be in a relationship to screw things up. Heck I don't even need to be in a relationship to be on the rebound anymore!

The meeting up was... not what i expected. Well, not completely anyway.
Turns out during those 2 weeks we were having a break from seeing each other to figure out whether or not we'd get together, she found some1 else. Now she has a boyfriend... who already has a girlfriend... she's his 2nd girlfriend... yeah
So now I'm all confused and upset and piney and damaged and trying to cope.
... this sucks.

We met up again after that recently, spent some time up at Greensy plaza. She's all over me with her electric touch, God she feels so... NO! I have to remind myself she has a boyfriend. But she keeps touching me in all the right places (neck, shoulders etc.). Nothing bad, nothing wrong, nothing we wouldn't have done as friends if we never got attracted to one another. But I am attracted to her, in love even, and I have to get used to her being unavailable. So I tell her she cant touch me like that. It's natural for her to do it though, it's how she treats her friends, all her friends, with affection. But with me it's more, maybe not for her, but for me her touch means way way more. So she stops, and i regret telling her to. I could have lied, said it was fine, gone behind this other jerks back and gotten my fill, but i'm not that guy. I show my cards, can't help it. And now, i'm afraid I've offended her, or freaked her out, or made her worry, or pushed her away more than i had intended. God I hope not.

Now I want some1/something i can't have. The something being a full on relationship. Not casual, not open, not fb. But I can't have that, i'm too hung up on some1 not available. It's made me analyse my feelings towards other peeps who i find attractive and it makes me wonder. Am i on the rebound? Am i just a clingy, desperate, bitch of love?

Well yeah i am LOL, but the people I'm attracted to aren't just people I'm rebounding towards. They're kick ass people, and sexy to boot. That being said, I don't think it's fair to persue any1 while i'm so mixed up. I'm only good for something casual, seeing as though i invested so much emotionally into le chick of dreams. But if they come to me with an offer, i'll be upfront with them, whatever my situation is at that point, and see where it goes :)

Funny thing is, all that future shit that seemed so important, isn't anymore. I couldn't care less if we end up in a burning mass of burn-ness, because right now, it just feels right. Trying not to obsess. succeeding a little. I put on the ring again, that's not a good sign, but the sense memory will help me through this.

I have bigger problems to worry about, like moving home in a week! Let's hope that goes smoothly. But with this empty rippy feeling in my chest and my rabid labido in overdrive due to my brain's id needing satisfying "RUFF RUFF" down labido! It's making me not function, like literaly i find it hard to get out of bed and pack boxes. I find it easier to just dream, funnily enough i can't stop thinking about her when i'm awake and dreaming actually gives me a break from thinking about her.

I have bourbon, it's tasty. I need someone to share it with... i need someone to share myself with. Any takers? Any1?

.... *le sigh*

so it's tuesday.
kinda been dreading it, this day like a bandaid.
I want to rip it off quickly and get it over with.
Kinda had a thing a month ago where i saw some1 every day for 2 weeks.
1st week = hollywood
2nd week... i don't know.
It kinda went pear shaped little bit. She got unsure, which led to me getting unsure, which led to the last 2 weeks not seeing each other so we can think on our own (and yeah we both were ludicrously busy too).
I keep wondering, why do I meet so many cool people all at once?
Why aren't they spread out more instead of leaving huge dirges inbetween where i feel cruddy and alone.
Wow, emo much?
Anyway, todays the day we meet up and decide our position. Awesome friends? or more?
As far as choices go I can't lose, but I'm thinking the former choice is going to win out. We both want different futures and if it's gonna be a long-term thang (which it would be) then those potential futures should mesh better.
I'm one confused puppy.
I don't know what to do with awesome ppl i meet. Maybe I should regain some numbers in the awesome friends department 1st as a couple have dropped off the grid with me recently. But will I be missing out on some incredible experiences by doing that? By not having something more? Or maybe it's smart not to have more now, I mean I have no job and no idea where I'm living in 2 months. Maybe I should be stable 1st. Maybe things are best kept simple, i don't want to presume too much of ppls affections towards me, that has stuffed me up many a time.
hmmmmm
I'm still unsure. Hoped writing my thoughts would help but... *msg tone* wait a sec guys... it's her, she's gonna be late. Timing in my life, constantly bad. Why are so many cool ppl here now?
..... WHY AM I BITCHING ABOUT HAVING TOO MANY COOL PPL IN MY LIFE? grrrr
It's the whole timing thing. I will ponder on this some more and get back to you. ponder ponder ponder.

check my "REPO! the genetic opera" review on my youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu8vyJaqceM
and my attempt at singing part of 1 of the songs from this movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9mo4Q0bf_o

hey all... pssst is any1 listening???
hmmm
i have been gone a long *CRUNCH*
Waoh!!! what did i just step on?
ewwww, haven't tidied this place up in a while.
Been... elsewhere. Elsewhere was my space for a while but now i've returned home.
Or have i? We'll just wait and see.

Life's interesting, people moreso.
Meeting many interesting peeps at partys.
Must seek more info.
"Gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge"
and yes... we will be watching the Grindhouseness
stay tuned kids

http://www.myspace.com/topcats_lair
http://www.youtube.com/user/T0pcatFilms