ouch *bangs head on wall* ouch *bangs head on wall* etc. etc. and so forth
ok, i've said this before and i'll say it again. It seems i don't need to even be in a relationship to screw things up. Heck I don't even need to be in a relationship to be on the rebound anymore!

The meeting up was... not what i expected. Well, not completely anyway.
Turns out during those 2 weeks we were having a break from seeing each other to figure out whether or not we'd get together, she found some1 else. Now she has a boyfriend... who already has a girlfriend... she's his 2nd girlfriend... yeah
So now I'm all confused and upset and piney and damaged and trying to cope.
... this sucks.

We met up again after that recently, spent some time up at Greensy plaza. She's all over me with her electric touch, God she feels so... NO! I have to remind myself she has a boyfriend. But she keeps touching me in all the right places (neck, shoulders etc.). Nothing bad, nothing wrong, nothing we wouldn't have done as friends if we never got attracted to one another. But I am attracted to her, in love even, and I have to get used to her being unavailable. So I tell her she cant touch me like that. It's natural for her to do it though, it's how she treats her friends, all her friends, with affection. But with me it's more, maybe not for her, but for me her touch means way way more. So she stops, and i regret telling her to. I could have lied, said it was fine, gone behind this other jerks back and gotten my fill, but i'm not that guy. I show my cards, can't help it. And now, i'm afraid I've offended her, or freaked her out, or made her worry, or pushed her away more than i had intended. God I hope not.

Now I want some1/something i can't have. The something being a full on relationship. Not casual, not open, not fb. But I can't have that, i'm too hung up on some1 not available. It's made me analyse my feelings towards other peeps who i find attractive and it makes me wonder. Am i on the rebound? Am i just a clingy, desperate, bitch of love?

Well yeah i am LOL, but the people I'm attracted to aren't just people I'm rebounding towards. They're kick ass people, and sexy to boot. That being said, I don't think it's fair to persue any1 while i'm so mixed up. I'm only good for something casual, seeing as though i invested so much emotionally into le chick of dreams. But if they come to me with an offer, i'll be upfront with them, whatever my situation is at that point, and see where it goes :)

Funny thing is, all that future shit that seemed so important, isn't anymore. I couldn't care less if we end up in a burning mass of burn-ness, because right now, it just feels right. Trying not to obsess. succeeding a little. I put on the ring again, that's not a good sign, but the sense memory will help me through this.

I have bigger problems to worry about, like moving home in a week! Let's hope that goes smoothly. But with this empty rippy feeling in my chest and my rabid labido in overdrive due to my brain's id needing satisfying "RUFF RUFF" down labido! It's making me not function, like literaly i find it hard to get out of bed and pack boxes. I find it easier to just dream, funnily enough i can't stop thinking about her when i'm awake and dreaming actually gives me a break from thinking about her.

I have bourbon, it's tasty. I need someone to share it with... i need someone to share myself with. Any takers? Any1?

.... *le sigh*