Unplugged

So... i've deactivated Facebook. I'm having one ofthe worst depression hits and i can't bitch to Facebook anymore. It's too much of a hit to my ego to reveal to people I can't cope. I can't see another post espousing how bad one side has it and how privileged the other side has it. I'm over outrage culture. I'm over gossip. I'm over ads. And that's largely what Facebook has become. I just need a retreat for myself from everything.

Even logged out of my BDSM twitter.

I need to be alone because i'm not coping being alone. How fucked in the head is that? I talk to this phone more than i talk to actual human beings. Guves us a false sense of connection but it's just wires and signals. Where's the pulse, the flesh? Just hard cold plastic.

Got chewed out at work again for being slow. It's my trigger that, being told i'm slow. And worse, slower than everyone else, in all senses. Not just speed but in picking up on things and how fast i get better at it. I've always been slow. Used to get told i was slow as a snail by my Dad. It screwed me up.

Now i'm going to eat my feelings again because i can't fall back on other outlets.
Sex - getting married and she's in the UK
Alcohol - it's a work night

I came close to wanting to end it yesterday. It's a strange feeling to come at you like that. Your mind bends the irational and makes it seem normal. Makes me glad Australia doesn't have prolific access to guns.

I don't know what to do anymore and i can't be the person in charge of other people's shit or rely on other people